The Unseen Burden: Why Empathy, Caregiving, and Grief Belong in the Workplace
Since the fall of 2015, my personal and professional lives have not just collided, they've merged into an undeniable reality. I come from a generation taught to rigidly compartmentalize – to leave your personal life at the door when you entered the office. Add to that my Irish Catholic heritage, which encouraged keeping family secrets locked away, and my exceptional ability to manage multiple roles simultaneously, and you'll understand the deeply ingrained mindset I once held.
For over 30 years, I've thrived as a consultant and leader in career transition, leadership development, and change management. It was a source of passion and joy. Yet, early in my career, I made a mistake many leaders do: I expected my peers and team members to leave their personal lives at home, to show up with a smile, ready to perform. My empathy, while present, had a very clear boundary. If a colleague brought "too much" of their personal life to the office, if I felt it interfered with their "work persona," I would quietly judge, thinking they just needed to "get it together." Whatever that means.
It wasn't until my own life took a series of crazy, wild turns that I realized how profoundly wrong I was.
Over the last decade, my world shifted. Both my parents were diagnosed with dementia, I suffered an injury that limited my ability to type for 18 months, my dad died, my sister's marriage ended, and my husband and I cancelled three vacations due to three separate family crises. As the pressures at home mounted, I began to unravel.
It was during this time, as I started to share bits and pieces of what was happening with colleagues, that a stark reality hit me: I was not alone. Far from it. Studies consistently show that women are more likely to be caregivers, with estimates ranging from 57% to 81% of caregivers being female. This isn't just a statistic; it's an army of us – women navigating the demanding landscape of elder care, childcare, and personal crises, all while striving to fulfill our career aspirations and perform at work every single day. The World Health Organization (2023) further emphasizes this, stating that women account for approximately 75% of unpaid caregivers worldwide. This is a burden predominantly borne by women, impacting their careers, financial security, and well-being.
I opened up about my parents' dementia diagnoses, caring for them while managing work, and eventually their passing. While I tried to keep it all together at work, it became increasingly impossible. My old belief system that personal and business should never mix came crashing down. These life-changing events forced me to find new ways to maintain my performance while managing a relentless personal life.
There were times after my parents died when my grief was inconsolable. Grief, I learned, is part of the human experience – a profound, often debilitating, response to loss. It isn't linear, and it certainly doesn't adhere to a 9-to-5 schedule. When I tried to process my feelings, my reptilian brain kicked in, sending my body into fight or flight. I yearned to feel like myself again, to find a solution to move on. I realized that meant taking control of my grief, not by pushing it away, but by making fundamental changes to my life and how I engaged with work.
Everyone experiences grief differently, and each journey takes time. As individuals balancing careers and personal lives, we will all take steps forward and back. The simple fact is that most people in the workplace will experience a significant personal crisis at some point in their career. Divorce, addiction, mental health struggles, death, illness, and childcare issues are not exceptions; they are realities that your employees and peers will find themselves in the middle of. Research indicates that grieving employees are less productive and more likely to leave their jobs if they don't feel supported. How companies and managers respond during these events not only impacts company brand, employee engagement, retention, and attraction – it impacts the very fabric of our shared humanity.
Lessons Learned: Cultivating Empathy and Understanding in the Workplace
For Colleagues and Managers of Someone in Crisis:
Practice Radical Empathy: Stop judging others who can't stay late at work because they need to pick up children or take a parent to a doctor. Instead, assume good intent and trust that they will get their work done. Challenge your own preconceived notions of "commitment" and "dedication."
Offer Concrete Support: Ask the individual how you can help with their workload and what support truly looks like for them. To someone navigating a personal crisis, it could be simple: more flexibility with work hours, a few extra days off to organize appointments, or help re-prioritizing tasks. Don't assume; ask.
Communicate Care: Let the individual know you care. A few kind words, a genuine check-in, or simply acknowledging their struggle can be incredibly powerful. It helps someone know that even amidst crisis, they are a valued member of the team, not just a performer.
Make Space for Grief and Life: Understand that grief is not a weakness, nor is caregiving a choice. These are profound human experiences that intersect with our professional lives. Creating a psychologically safe environment where employees can be honest about their struggles without fear of penalty is crucial for retaining talent and fostering a truly supportive culture.
This journey has fundamentally changed my leadership philosophy. It's no longer about keeping personal and professional separate, but about understanding how deeply intertwined they are. By embracing empathy and making space for the realities of caregiving and grief, we don't just create better workplaces; we build a more humane and resilient society, especially for the women who disproportionately carry these burdens.